I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
