i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
