Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
