one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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