In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
