I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
