Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
