Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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