If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
