i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
