I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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