Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
