I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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