Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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