RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
