this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize