no, he came in my armpit
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
