I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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