Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
