Don't make out with my wife yet
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
