my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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