I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
