I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
