I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize