There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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