Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm always down for nudity.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize