i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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