White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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