i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
