If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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