then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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