just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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