I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
