using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize