the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
