So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
