Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
