She's JV to your varsity
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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