Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
