Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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