There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
