omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
