6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
