apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
