I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
