Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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