I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
