the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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