I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
