searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
