What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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