Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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