just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
