I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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