I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
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