Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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