next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
