Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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