I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
