During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
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