just come out here and I will go home with you...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
