You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
