just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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