Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
