the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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