I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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