sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
