DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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