remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
